I just thought you guys should know

He sat nervously, as was his default disposition, with his leg jittering uncontrollably and the uneven, cigarette-stained fingernails of his right hand rapping audibly on the tabletop. "Finally!", He exclaimed, as he saw 3 other young men approach.

"You're late." He said dissaprovingly.

"We're always late." said the ravenhaired one.

"That does not make it okay every time."

"Of course it does, as we are always late, there is a pattern, thereby making it possible for you to predict the actual time we would be arriving, thus, in conclusion, one might say you were early."

"For shame." added the guy to his left, who looked rather unhealthy, and as if sleep had eluded him that night.

At this the nervous one looked a little perplexed, then shook his head vigorously, as if shaking of cobwebs, then he reinstated his grey denim cap into its original position, before it was dislodged by the violent shaking, and he solemnly hem-hemmed and scraped his throat, a sure sign for his friends that some odd story was about to be related to them.

With a dignified look and his chin slightly raised, he began:

"I have called you all here today because..."

Immediately he was interrupted by the third of his companions.

"You didn't call us here today, it's sunday brunch, we're always here."

An irritated glare and a disdainful shake of the head (followed once more by a reinstating of the grey denim cap aforementioned) answered this rude interruption, a clear case of lese-majesté as far as he was concerned (he WAS sitting at the head of the table.). Without dignifying his friend with a spoken reply, he continued:

"BECAUSE I have an important announcement to make." He paused dramatically, raising his chin even further into the air in an attempt to look dignified, but unfortunately he more looked as if he had smelled something rather unpleasant.

"You had sex in the middle of the street with a monkey? Again?" said one.
"You got so drunk your pants fell down, but you didn't care and danced around anyway?" said the second.
"You followed two strangers to what you thought was a bar, but turned out to be an underground sauna?" finished the third.

With a wrinkle of his nose and a puckering of his lips, our hero showed his discontent and he answered rather inflamed:

"It was not in the MIDDLE of the street, and it was a Morrocan, not a monkey!"
"They were not ALL the way down!"
"Shut up!"

Thus all 3 scoundrels were rebutted, and with his majectic dignity recovered, he hem-hemmed once more and continued.

"As you all know, I have been dating someone for a few weeks now. He is a perfectly respectable person, charming, nice, intelligent, ..."

"And with a big butt, just the way you like it..." broke in the unfresh looking one.

"... attractive, and very generous and kind to me. I regret to announce..."

"You broke up." said the raven haired one.
"He dumped your ass." said the unfresh one.
"You are no longer dating?" asked the third one, unable to keep the eagerness out of his voice, since the subject of the conversation was quite the dish.
"we got engaged." blurted out the nervous one.

A general awed silence ensued. Many things had been told around this table, ranging from the pitiful to the absurd, the tragic to the hilarious, but this one took the cake (though their Ocassional Breakfast did not include cake).

"Engaged? You've known him for 2 weeks, tops."
"I know! It wasn't my idea!"
"Oh God, I feel a migraine coming on. How do you always do these things?"
"I didn't do anything!"
"You must have at least said yes, you cannot get engaged against your will" said the third one.
"Unless you're one of them monkey women." interrupted the unfresh one.
"This is no time for comically exaggerated racism!" insisted the raven haired one.
"Look, it went like this: he took me out to dinner, I suspected nothing, it wasn't even such a classy place, but it was packed. I was sort of not paying attention to what he was saying, cause this hot waiter was just bending over to pick up a spoon and I was making superfunny jokes about spooning in my head, you know, like to myself, because jokes about spooning a random stranger while you're on a date really aren't appropriate until he's had at least 3 glasses of wine and there's a chance he'll be willing to play along..."

"Could you please get to the point!!" said the third one.

"Sheesh, I am, mister impatient. Anyhow, I was thinking about spoons and pig-roasting when he took my hand and I looked and he was totally ON. HIS. KNEES! I thought he'd lost a spoon maybe, but then he says... Get this, he says: I know we've only known each other for a short time, but I cannot imagine the rest of my life without you. Will you marry me?"

"Noooooooo, he didn't!" screeeched the third one.

"He did!"

"What did you say?"

"What could I say???? He is sitting there, a blissfully happy look on his face, a tear running down his cheek, with about two dozen people looking at us, all expecting me to say yes. So I said yes..."

"But do you want to marry him?"

"Of course not!"

"Then why on earth did you say yes?"

"It seemed rude not to. I blame my mother, she raised me to always be polite and I've not been able to refuse anyone anything ever since I was a kid..."

"Which explains your popularity at Red&Blue..." threw in the unfresh one.

"This is my mother's fault. Oh My God, I bet this is why she and my dad got married: he asked and she was too polite to say no. And look how that turned out!

"So what is it you want from us exactly?"

"I need bridesmaids."

"And we're the closest you could come up with?"

"If Aaron Spelling taught me anything, it's that bridesmaids are supposed to be awful bitches that will try to have sex with my husband-to-be the day of the wedding. You guys will be just perfect."

"Uh. Thank you?"
"Hmmmmm."
"Your ring looks really gay."
"I know, it was his grandmother's"

Come rain or shine

Well, time for a second quickie update!

I've been here little under two weeks now and it's been quite relaxed. I still don't feel like I have to work very much (Joyce has been in daycare for the past 3 days again, leaving my days open completely). I've resorted to making dinner quite often to make up for it.

The downside of so many free days (not to mention all the evenings) is that I don't really know what to do with my time. I don't know anyone to hang out with yet, and honestly, I've trudged up and down Farnham and Guildford by myself quite enough already.

In an attempt to meet some people, I've attended a "coffee social" by the Guildford Area Gay Society, or GAGS, a local gay group, whose name is either the result of a severe lack of foresight, or of that quirky British wit.

GAGS meets once a week for these socials in members' houses. The one I went to was here in Farnham, literally down the street, in the "teapot house", so called because of the rather large wooden teapot on the front lawn. According to Julian and Jutta, the house is infamous for its gay meetings. Still, despite that somewhat discouraging fact, I decided to go, as one week was already enough to give me a bit of a lonely feeling at times.

It is not easy to describe GAGS. They have existed for the past 30 years... And a lot of their founding members are still around... And they weren't all that young when they founded it... Basically, about 60% of the members could be qualified as ancient in gay years. They did have entertaining stories to tell, about the olde days of homosexuality, when it was not even legal yet, and all the wild clandestine parties they attended. Quite lovely to listen to, but maaaaybe not exactly the group of people I see myself spending my months here in England with. Maybe. Okay, if nothing more suitable comes along, I will probably.

I think the youngest person there was about 32 and I talked to him most of the time, whilst being eyed suspiciously\beningly\somewhat ennervingly by the various other attendants. He seemed nice enough and I got his email so maybe I can hang out with him and meet other people through him, who knows.

There are apparantly quite a lot of gay occassions around, like in Guildford, but the trouble is getting to these places. Or rather, getting back from these places, since the last bus to Farnham is at 18.50 and on top of that, it is outrageously expensive. The fact that I am a 24 year old that cannot drive illicits surprise all over England and I am beginning to see why: it just is quite hard to impossible to get places other than by car.

Farnham has its v ery own gay bar as well. Okay, actually, it is just the cellar of a house, the one where I attended the coffee social. Dark and cheesily lit? Check! Garden with jacuzzi? Check! Lots of dirty pictures and warnings to play safe? Very check! Every friday they have a thing and once a month on saturday a theme disco night. The next one's theme is 'Speedos'. Considering the uhm age and portly dignity of the regular costumers and my lack of a pair of Speedos, I shan't be attending.

I've also joined the gym, both to stay in shape a bit and to meet locals. So far I've only met two personal trainers, a lovely young woman named Clare, and an absolutely gorgeous man named Sam, whose trainings I am sure I will enjoy. Hopefully there'll be more of that sort of meetings, as they are both perfectly lovely people.

I have also signed myself up with this 'ex-pat' website, so far I have gotten one response, from a Latino Norwegian au pair who wishes to "meat" me. I assume it is a case of bad English, but I will keep you informed as it develops.

Speaking of meat, my unfortunate 'no masturbating in someone else's house rule' is fricking killing me, it is going to be a long six months for my loigns. I thought I'd share that with you guys, wouldn't want you to suffer "Bob shares something too intimate" withdrawal.

The weather here is still irradic and mostly bad, though today is nice, which figures, since it is the only day I'm not outside. Mathilde the cat is still quite enamoured with me, and the feeling is mutual, but I could do without the live frogs she keeps bringing as a gift. Oeh, speaking of wildlife! So far I've seen a snake and a fox! I am totally holding out for a giraffe though. Or Prince Harry. That might actually solve my problem in the above paragraph as well.

Anyho, that's it for now, should anything fascinating happen, like Prince Harry desperately falling for me (after I tripped him of course), GAGS making me their mascotte or the revelation of exactly what Norwegian beef tastes like, I shall return and share it with you all in inappropriately detailed ways.

Cheers!

And to top it all, English boys have bouncy bouncy

Okay, quick update before I forget how to do it.

I doubt I will be writing a lot on this blog the coming months, since I am using a QWERTY lap top and I find it terribly annoying to type with.

For those who didn't get the memo: I am in England, and I'll be here for the next 6 months or so, working as a sort of au pair. The family I am living with is extremely nice, and their daughter is precious, despite entering the terrible twos and being quite a handful at times. The house is swell and my room is terrific, much nicer than anything I'm used to. The two family cats, Mathilde and Magnus seem to agree, as they spent all their time in here.

The town of Farnham, where I am, is a type of suburb to London, which means its residents tend to be rather wealthy. The centre is very beautiful and has some great shops, including a Waterstone's, which spells doom for my solvability. We're not too far from university city Guildford, and I've already been there once and prolly will head there again later today. London is either for this weekend or the next, depending on the weather, which has been the only downside here so far.

Right now I have more free time than I know what to do with, because little Joyce is away at daycare 3 days a week, and she goes to bed right after she gets home, so I'm only busy in the mornings, and even then her parents do most of the work. In a few weeks she will go to daycare less though and I should get a little busier, and I'll be glad to, right now I feel like a bit of a moocher.

They have been very generous to me here, getting me a computer and DVD player in my room, a laptop, a cellphone which is way too fancy, with a subscribtion I don't have to pay, and they are buying me a local gym membership as well, which is quite costly. I'm very grateful of course and I wish I'd have to work a bit harder!

Yesterday I made Chili Con Carnem because I felt like cooking and they said it zas the best they ever had, which zas nice to hear naturally. After that Julian took me to a local pub, and we had some pints and a very good time.

Long story short: I think I'll do rather well here.

Anyhow, I'm just about fed up with this keyboard, so that's it for now.

Cheers